Loves Apology
I am prisoner 12973-004. I am one of the longest serving non-violent first offenders; serving time in America…. 25 years to date of my life no parole sentence.
I live alone in my cell. It is the pay I recieve for teaching other inmates. I teach them many things, Creative Writing being my main focus with most of them though.
Today, Friday, I am somewhat happy. For today I recieved a school desk in my cell. Cell 201. Yes just a simple school desk and I rejoice. So much so that I just sat right down at it at 1:52 pm … and began this story “Love’s Apology.”
Now I can remeber when I thought I was a big shot. I had big bucks, traveled, had fast cars, jewelry, and of course women. That, is all gone from me now. Yet, the only true memories are those of meaning, those when I had little. So; I shall try and explain, make you see through these words…. Romance.
It was a long time ago when I worked hard and at the end of the working week, received little. For in those days, a hundred dollars, was a lot. I worked all week and prepared for the weekend with her. My very first real love, Maggie.
I can remeber the first time I saw her, She was rushing out of the all girl high school, blue uniform and all. She was Italian and lovely. A lovely shape and warm, full lips…. I took to her instantly. Now all I had to do was meet her. Me, sitting there in a company truck, work clothes on. Many other boys were there, dressed up, flocking there from the other schools just to see the girls pass by.
Well, come to find out, on my very own block was a cousin of hers. I spoke to the cousin, she to Maggie and all was a go, our first date.
I had to have a new outfit for this first date. I had no money at the time as payday was around the corner so I did what any guy from a rough neighborhood would do. I went out on a “job”. You see, I had a friend who worked for a Hummel distributor. You know, those little expensive statues. Why, one could run someone six to eight hundred dollars.
It was my job to sneak up the back alley and wait for him to ease one, or two, out a small vent high up along the inside ceiling of where he worked. See, he did the stealing and selling. I only caught them for a percentage.
Anyway, I would stand there, staring up at the vent three stories up, glancing every once in while down the alley to make sure the cops were not coming. Sometimes he would send one within minutes of my arrival, and at other times it seemed as though I was waiting hours. Sometimes, hIe would put them in their original boxes, other times they would sail down in a towel or newspaper. I would brace myself for each catch, my eyes growing bigger as it came down towards me.
This went on for a while. Lasted until one landed on my head and knocked me out.I was awoken by a beat-cop. He did’nt notice the Hummel busted up in what seemed a million peices all around me, just the gash on my head. I told him I was mugged, since I had not a nivkel on me.
Anyway, this was how I got the money to buy that outfit. The outfit that would impress Maggie on our first date. It was earlier in the fall. To me, there’s nothing like autumn in a city. Especially my city, Philly. Then at that age, I felt like running everywhere. Felt like I could do anything. And for the first time, fall in love.
I could speak on of the material things. The car I drove, places we went, but I believe it would take away from her, yes her. So I’ll only tell of the awe of it all.
I had little money in my pocket on that first date but still wanted to impress. I took her to this neighborhood place. The room, not large, had some people in it. Yet, I only saw her eyes. Not the walls, other faces, or the food. Just the splender of her eyes. I did not know then, how, seeing her see me was all there was to life. Only from sad years gone by can one know now, such as I.
After we ate, there was a movie of course. What played, I can’t remember as I write. I do remember holding her handin the theater. I remember the profoundness of her profile, The lovely shape that was mine. A shape I wanted to place cheek so upon her’s.
After the show, we walked. There was a park near by. We looked at the trees with autumn dress. Passing some, stopping at others. During one of the stops, I looked upon her face and kissed her. Breathed………I liked it.
She was, and I hope still is, a girl that would talk to the heart of it… A girl then and again I hope still, that made me think more. More of what I was doing just then. I wish I could have met her when I was older. I believe things would have been different. I would not have hurt her.
If Maggie were to ever read this, understand that I have known this sorrow decade upon decade.
Maggie’s forgiveness, not of words, but a whisper from the heart would be sublime. The soft message would come from thy lips, then rise and rise to the clouds. That one, small batch of white would start to move, travel across God’s land… and bring that whisper to me. Me, in a stone cell far, far from which you dwell.
And: as I lay in wait upon this steel bunk. I wait for that cloud to arrive and deliver Maggie’s forgiveness. A forgiveness that would make me smile as those words reached, then entered, my mind, so clear.
Oh yes, yes, I hear….Aaah… thank you dear, My Maggie Dear.